I haven't had a chance to sit down and write for a while. James and I traveled to Costa Rica with some friends to celebrate our 10 year wedding anniversary coming up (double digits!!) We came home to sick kids and picked up some bugs of our own. I guess that's how winter goes with germs and what not. At least, that's what they say.
Because of the sickness that took hold, I had to cancel or reschedule some winter/Christmas activities that I had planned. This week we've all recovered enough to finally go do some of the holiday festivities. One of those is going to see Santa at Cabela's. Each year they take a photo and give you a free 4X6 printout. It's become a yearly tradition that I look forward to. I've got a picture of our oldest with Santa since her first Christmas, and I plan to do the same with Cooper.
Last year we went in early November when Cooper was still cooking in my belly. It may have been the very first day that visits with Santa were available. My husband didn't see the point in going so early, but I was worried about not being able to do it before the baby came. I can’t help but look at the 2022 photo and think about how naive I was. How I probably was complaining about peeing 20 times per hour and my hips being sore. How I practiced labor breathing all the time. How I was expecting to have a typical baby. How I really had no idea what was coming...
If you look at the photos, 2022 and 2023 have the same Santa 👀
This year, as we handed our Cooper over to him for the photo, he was so excited. His face lit up.
“I have a brother and a grandson with Down syndrome,” he told us.
Same Santa, different reaction to our family. Different reaction because of the baby we were given a year ago.
We could have talked to him for much longer on the topic, but there were other families in the line. Santa hugged Cooper close and said over and over, "You're my special little guy."
Last winter was an absolute blur. I was wading through a lot of complicated emotions, thoughts, and fears. There aren't many pictures from last year. I wasn't in a headspace to care about making memories. I wanted time to pass more quickly. I wanted a crystal ball to see what my future and Cooper's future looked like. I did NOT want to be living the life I was living. Talk about baby blues! Getting an unexpected diagnosis is baby blues on steroids. I often told James, "It feels like we're living someone else's life." And it was. It was like I was watching a movie and thinking, "Wow, I would hate to go through that." But I was going through it. It wasn't a movie. It was reality, and it made for a long winter.
2022 me and 2023 me are not the same. I was already a mother, and trying to be a good one. I mean, I'm still working on that all the time. But I didn't understand the gift that children are. I guess I felt entitled to their lives. I didn't know at the time, but I felt like I deserved to have a typical child who grows up typically and follows the life pattern we are all used to: graduate school, get married, have kids, etc.
2023 me understands how much of a gift and miracle having a baby is. I feel deeply grateful for my kids, and I am learning a new respect for their lives and the unique gifts they bring to the world. I firmly believe that babies come when they want, and how they want. It's not up to me as parent to decide their fate. It's up to us as parents to bring them here and love them regardless of how their lives may look, regardless of the struggles they might have, regardless of the "inconvenience" they could create. (If children and inconvenience go in the same sentence for you, then you probably should not have kids.)
2022 me was comfortable. Comfortable being in my own safe little bubble of never having to speak up or show myself. Never wanting to seem different or be too out of the ordinary.
I like the 2023 version of me. There are a lot things I am working on now that I never imagined for myself before. The fact is that I can no longer hide. Cooper brings stares (good and bad) that I never had to experience before.
But that one little guy sitting on Santa's lap has given me the ability to feel true gratitude. He has opened up my mind and my heart in ways I never knew existed.
He has shown me joy in the smallest things. His calm and loving personality is so good for my anxious heart.
He has shown me patience in the way he has to work so hard for every single thing he does. He has given me and my husband an unshakable bond because we both have such an intense love for our son.
He has given me an incredible community in the special needs world. I have met so many people in just one year and look forward to the opportunity to meet more. The extra chromosome comes with extra connection, just like we got with Santa this year. And I love it.
I am forever indebted to my son for changing me. People abort these kiddos. They only see the bad things that can happen. We disagree with all the negative, especially Cooper's big sister. She will fight battles for Cooper. I've already seen her be courageous in ways that most adults would shy away from.
I'm here to show some of the positive to take away the negative.
I'm here to say that my son and others like him have a place in our world.
And guess what? Santa would agree :)
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